My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
