i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
