i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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