Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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