She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
