Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
