You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
