The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
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Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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