Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
