How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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