well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So many bounce houses so little time
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
