Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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