I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My vagina is officially offended.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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