if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
