My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize