Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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