you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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