im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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