So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
