Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
