clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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