Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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