My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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