omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
