I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
