If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
