I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need moral support for this bender
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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