Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
