that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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