my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
