Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
