you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
