Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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