I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
