If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
