if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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