I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
