The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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