new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
