So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
