We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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