I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
