hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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