You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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