I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
