I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...