remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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