Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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