Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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