he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
