Jerry, you need to find god
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
