my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
