Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
be right there i have to get my cape
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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