How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
