sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
