I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
