I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
